The Moaning Limey Gamer

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N64 Thumbstick: yes, that one

O Nintendo, Nintendo, wherefore art thou Nintendo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love and I’ll no longer be a Sony fanboy with xboxean undercurrents.

I’m not afraid to say this, I googledamn love Nintendo. I would ride out to climax, with a zenith-like frenzied shower of ejaculate on the moustache belonging to Mario’s, unfortunately but, incredibly racist face (tone setting – check).

I own so much Nintendo tech that beloved family pets have been lost for days without food, water, any Sega merchandise to speak of because “a few wires… and a controller… or 40 may have blocked the door… Possibly because they were dragging down multiple Nintendo consoles… Games…” I digress, what I’m trying to say is I do like Nintendo but I am also of the thought that they are complete and utter, guttersnipe pus filled ‘Ellen’ fans.

But.

I’m not going to piss on the Wii. That’s a story that doesn’t need to be said; by me… yet. I am, however, going to talk about the N64’s “innovative”  Controller and before you start spitting on my breadbin and pickling my kippers. I know the console is an excellent piece of tech had a lot of amazing ideas good tenacity stuff.

Does anyone outside my circle of immeasurably geeky collector friends still have/play/want an N64? I own more than my fair share and play them when I can (although wing commander 3 on 3D0 is still taking up a lot of my time). If you were to create a flux capacitor and generate the 1.21 gigawatts of power, maybe using plutonium (I’m sure that in 1985 plutonium is available in every corner drugstore, but on March 1, 1997 it’s a little hard to come by) and travel back to the 1970’s. I’m sure that showing them an N64 controller would cause them to bow down to the sci fi tech. This was pretty much the initial reaction I had when seeing one for the 1st, perhaps 20th time…

You see, after you arrive at your twentieth time you will have used the thing by now and you are acutely aware that hands don’t work like that (“Just avoid holding it in that way” – Steve Jobs – Nintendo). Now although the D-pad is 36.3% better than the Xbox 360’s, the thumbstick, when comparing it to the unsurpassed thumbsticks of that very same console, is… not great. Let me go one step further and say its less than ‘not great’ its the most useless command input device since some bearded Nazarene, asked his sky fairy father why said Bee Gee was forsaken by aforementioned Sky fairy.

Many collectors out there will tell you of the ‘rubber band round the thumb’ trick and may mention that you should man-up and grow a pair. This is not a working fix if you want to go on a mad session that lasts longer than 3 directional tweaks. Some may tell you that using araldite glue and the rubber feet off anything you have lying around the house will solve this quandary. This is the kind of response that I would acknowledge with murmured grunts, clicks and whistles (aka, Boris Johnson).

This is not the way Nintendo, this was supposed to be “hey, look at me. No loading times but still PSone-like complete 3 dimensional immersion!” . No, That’s not what that was. comparing the N64’s thumbstick to something resembling “complete 3 dimensional immersion”  is like comparing the ‘pictures’ of grossly disproportionate phalluses I used to draw in ‘MS paint’ during art class to the paradisical daubings of Da Vinci (Dan Brown’s abhorrent “book/s” notwithstanding).

As some sort of concluding remark I would like to say gwgaagshhdhrhddjjjaaa but as that is not a word I will formulate a sentence: Nintendo took the tired old joystick format and made is great with the NES and the SNES after that. With their newer (Top selling) consoles they have made possibly the worse control designs in the history of… things, you hold in your hand… to… move… video games… something, something, something end.

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Dear Game Designers: A love hate relationship

As I work in the field of video game development I get to see the process that games undertake before they become saleable to the huddled masses. I understand that Video games are a huge undertaking and can take much longer than films to make. Now after ‘understanding’ what Dev teams have to go through let me tell you what gamers have to go through.

This is the average game buying day for any modern gamer:

1. Finally decide what awesome new game I wish to spend my hard earned cash on

2. Overcome the fact that video games are a major purchase and this is the amount of money I will be parting with

3. Spend many hours on sellers website to get the best price (feel great when I find it for £3 less than other stores)

4. Proceed to shop. Deal with what seem to be retarded store clerks & scene kids trying to buy the latest puke green shirt with a skull on

5. Finally get home and turn on the console that I have decided to buy said game for

6. Play through 3 levels of the most bug filled piece of shit the earth has currently encountered all the while ringing off sound bites such as “Are you shitting me, you dirty little pidgin sniffer?”

7. 2 weeks later play the game again (after waiting for 30 mins for the patch to download) and realise that they have fixed but 30% of the filth that I can tell at first glance is broken worse than Julian Assange’s credit rating


Dear game designers,
We are  fans of video games and despite most titles being completely broken on launch day we still enjoy your flavours of interactive entertainment but please, please, please for the love of Yoshimitsu STOP FUCKING THINGS UP! If it isn’t ready, it isn’t ready. We can deal with delays but what we cannot deal with for much longer is your absolute arse-clenchingly busted up code infecting our ‘Special me time’ We want to boom headshot, hadouken, handbrake, fly, jump not fall through the fucking floor unable to respawn or restart the level/checkpoint.

Thank you for your time

Gamers around the world

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